**DISCLAIMER – Not Really Stockholm Syndrome, Just Really Bad at Dressage. Consolation Sweets Welcome**
It’s that time again, you lucky thing! You get to read about all the wonderful things I have been up to since my last blog entry! As I am 99% sure that no one reads these anyway, I shall spare no details! So, in the wise words of Maria, let’s start at the very beginning (or in this case, May).
May was a relatively quiet month for Blake. I had a lot of photography jobs that required me to stay away, which meant Blakey got a small holiday! However, we did find time for a cheeky trip to Southcott XC to get in some XC fun! You can view the vlog here 😉 .
A Quest for Qualification
Now, due to actually working a fair amount this summer (more on that to come in my photography blog), Bake and I had failed to get any of our qualifications for Petplans. Cue me scrambling around at the last minute in a desperate bid to get those marks, and boy that was a journey in itself, so here we go.
Stretcholt was first, and a new venue for us. Lorry didn’t start, I was having a small ‘menty B’ when I decided to slightly assault the battery and boom, we had power! What a good outing it was, 2 solid qualifications in the bag straight off the bat – I was feeling quietly confident for the next one.
This time we are at KSEC, and again, 2 solid qualifications in the bag. At this point we haven’t achieved anything below 64% this year – I am over the moon. Yeah, I am sure you can see where this is going…
Nothing humbles you more than a horse that wakes up and says nah, not today. This was day 2 of a 3-day marathon consisting of 6 tests in total. I told Blake that if he got the scores, we would withdraw from the last day and he could have the day off. Well, safe to say that didn’t happen. What did happen, you ask? I have never retired from a test in my life, but that day was so bad I could literally feel my right hand twitching ready to call it a day. I didn’t. He just couldn’t contain his anxiety and went around the whole time like a giraffe. Oh and the horse-eating sprinklers were out in full-force which did not help us! 2 sh*t scores later, and I could’ve cried. In fact, I did. I cried in the lorry on the way back home, not helped by the fact that Blake decided to throw himself against every surface in the vicinity. Wow.
It’s amazing how quickly your mental health can spiral if you let it, and by that point I was fully immersed in a depressive spiral consisting of thoughts like ‘I am not good enough’, ‘Blake isn’t ever going to be a dressage horse’, and most crucially in that moment I had decided that there was no way on gods green earth that I was going back the next day. No thank you sir – I had done 2 days and 4 tests already, that lie-in never looked so tasty! However, that’s how it starts. You have to be disciplined otherwise the little demons in your head win. After a stern talking to from my friends I decided to go. I had nothing to lose, but potentially a qualification to gain. This was it, my last chance of qualifying.
I was so nervous that morning I don’t think I slept a wink and I certainly didn’t eat. But armed with Jesse, Holly and Ernie who we brought along for emotional support, we went out and smashed out 2 qualifying scores, with the higher score actually in the Novice!
Phew, breathe.
The Great Lorry Hunt
After looking for what feels like the best part of a year, we finally found a horsebox that meets our needs. There was just one problem – this particular lorry was in Scotland. Months passed and still, no other lorry came close. ‘Minty’ was there in the back of my mind, and I jokingly asked if Jesse might consider a cheeky trip. The next thing I know, we are on a plane to Edinburgh, where we then get a tram, then a train and then a car to our final destination! But boy was it worth it! I mean, just look at him! The lady we bought him off couldn’t have been nicer and arranged for us to go out for dinner, helped us find accommodation and the whole process was as easy as it could’ve been.
One Last Hurrah
The championships was actually a bit of a turning point for me. I haven’t shared this anywhere else so credit to you if you have read this far – but I had decided at this point that this would be our last competition together for the foreseeable future. Without going into too much detail (I’m told people aren’t meant to discuss their bowel movements in public), the physical and mental toll it was taking on both me and Blake was just not worth it. I didn’t enjoy it one bit, only afterwards when it was over. Therefore, after chatting with Jesse I came to the conclusion that…
'I was externalising my self-worth, with my performance at competitions completely dictating how I felt about myself as a rider and as a person'
…and that moment I decided this would be the last one, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again. Those of you that have followed us for a while now know that I have really struggled with anxiety and competitions in the past. I thought it’d got better, but I think I just got better at hiding it. We arrived with plenty of time, I had written a funny bio saying that Blake’s favourite thing to do was giraffe impressions and I must say this gave me a good chuckle when they announced it over the speakers! Long story short (I know I’ve said that before and yet here we are 2000 words later), he produced a lovely test in both the Prelim and the Novice. I was so pleased with him. Scores were sh*t though, but hey, at that point it didn’t matter because finally I was focusing on the experience and not the numbers!
Since then, we have actually composed ourselves a rather sexy little dressage to music number – and let’s face it, British Dressage and I have a relationship not too dissimilar to Stockholm Syndrome at this point, so the chances of me actually giving up are slim, but it was a lesson I needed to learn. STOP EXTERNALISING YOUR SELF-WORTH! A dressage score doesn’t determine how good you are as a person, or as a rider. Read that last sentence again. However I am by no means bashing BD – with the right mentality, you can have fun, make amazing memories and enjoy your horse!
For those that have made it this far, first of all thank you! Secondly, here’s a few cheeky photos of the day for your viewing pleasure!
Other than that? Not a lot to report on the horsey front. I found a buckskin Lusitano in Portugal, planned a trip out to view him only for him to fail the vetting but yeah, that’s pretty much it! Oh and in a lesson with Ricardo, he finally rode Blake and got off after 5 minutes – his exact words were ‘If that was my only horse, I would give up riding’ – that did make me chuckle! Lol. What a testament to my resilience, or perhaps a stark representation of my mental health!
Catch you after my next existential crisis x